so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
