ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
