Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
