We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
