I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize