I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
