I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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