let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
