The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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