Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
My legs feel like baby dolphins
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
