Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
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