Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
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