So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
