I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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