Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
