My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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