Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
