Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
nutella sex= disaster
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
