if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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