you turned your livingroom into a bong?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
