My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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