The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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