Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
