Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
