im six kinds of drunk right now
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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