You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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