You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
