He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
