and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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