this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
