you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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