the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
