im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
