My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Randomize
