hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
