the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
