New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Sorry my hands just texted you
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
