It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
