Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
