i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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