I accidentally had phone sex last night
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
