I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
