You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
