I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
