i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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