I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
