We won't sleep together?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Randomize
