FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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