My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
