I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
